My Simple Amazing Life!!!: March 2012

So this post was going to be incredibly long with every second of every detail of the best vacation of my life it was going to be something that I used to remember such a special time in my life cause i didn't want to even forget the small details, and as time passed and I kept putting off writing the blog I decided that all those little details are something I will always remember they are not something that I needed to post and make my friends read it and take an hr. So looking back on the time I get to share some of the vacation and things that taught me something.

Some would say that being in California for the winter is a vacation and I am not going to say its not but i will say taking a vacation on top of a vacation is the best thing ever especially when that vacation is with someone that you love and care about. Being able to create life lasting memories is something that is so beautiful.

The long anticipated arrival of Justin was something that I didn't know if I would ever get through, there were days that if filled like it would never end and days that really I questioned what I was doing and many moments of wondering what I was setting myself up for. I played my typical "mind games" time and time again and after many and many of conversations with my closest friends and family I decided to jump in head first and just to have a good time, and if I walked away with nothing more then living from my heart I would be completely content. For one of the first times in my life I got out of my head and lived from my heart... Was it scary yes, would I do it again... of course, will it take a lot of strength and letting go... HELL YES.... was it worth it... 100%.... Did things turn out how I had "imagined" and dreamed for them to be... No, and thats okay, you know how I know it is perfect??? cause it is happening...

Justin's time here was spent being very busy and enjoying all the beautiful things this place has to offer me! The first day was filled with the beautiful beach, my first tattoo, cuddling, and just living in the moment... I love my tattoo and it is beautiful. There is nothing more I could have asked for, and I couldn't imagine anyone else holding my hand for the whole 2.5hrs and not leaving my side, not only was the tattoo so symbolic but the person who was by my side through the whole thing (justin) was symbolic, I remember the night my dad passed away Justin being on of the first people I messaged, he had been there for me through the whole thing he was a major rock and wiped my tears many times when I cried so getting to have him there was amazing.

Saturday we spent sometime at the San Clemente pier and it was breath taking, it is where we got to take our first picture in years and we even got to see a star fish... We went to San Clemente high school where the new player for the Utes had graduated from, because Justin is a huge Utes fan, following that we went and had the best Hamburger of my life yet again.... Vine never disappoints, it was nice to be able to share lunch with my bosses and for them to be able to meet Justin. Dave N Busters was later that night and many many more memories were made again, it was a beautiful thing getting to be carefree and act like a child with someone you adore.

The rest of the days were filled with life changing experiences and many memorable memories. Whale watching and seeing whales and dolphins, Sunsets and kisses on the beach, Knotts Berry Farm & Disneyland.... All things I had never done before in my life and I am so thankful I got to do it all with the person I got to do it with. Not only did I experience "The Happiest Place on Earth," but I got to experience one of the Happiest Times in My Life.... Thank you Thank you and Thank you again Justin!!! Thank you for the memories, the lessons, and the person you have helped me become.

Saying goodbye is never easy and this was not any different, We spent the last day together at the beach soaking up some sun and playing in the ocean. There was not a moment that I wasn't amazed at all I am blessed with each and every single day! Having Justin gone was VERY hard for me the first week and I spent countless hours just crying, I had not cried so hard since my dad passed. Many times I was asked why I was crying I had a good time, and at the moment in time I didn't want to talk about why I was crying.

Now a month later I can look back and say I KNOW WHY, i know why it was so hard. Justin has always been the one person I saw spending forever with, the one person I saw holding my kids and being part of my family, finally he was feeling what I was and my happily ever after was coming!!! I told my friends time and time again that this vacation would tell Justin & I if we were ment to be, that it would either make us or break us... and as much as I didn't want to admit it then and as bad as it still hurts now, it broke us. Its not that it was bad it was that I realized "we" are not right and that scares me. It scares me that I will never have that person that makes my world spin around or give me all those butterflies that Justin gave me so freely. When I kissed him goodbye for the last time, I knew that that would be the last time I kissed him, that i got to share that with him. Anyone that knows me knows I HATE change. I would never say it was the same pain of losing my dad but it was a horrible pain in a whole new way. When he kissed me I didn't see fireworks anymore, I didn't see him with me when I was older something that I had held onto for almost 4 years was gone and it hurt. Yet again I felt very alone and incomplete... I had not felt so alone and incomplete since my dad died....

The biggest and best life lesson that I learned from kissing Justin goodbye, was that someone else cannot fill my cup, I have to fill my cup and until I can complete myself and love me fully, and see that I am worth it... No one else will... I get to be happy being me and loving me and doing things for me and when I can do that someone else can love me too... Until I can love me I will never be able to allow someone else to love me. Beautiful beautiful beautiful life experience.

I do not regret one second of having Justin here, knowing what I know now I still wouldn't go back and do it different. And for me that is huge! Wow, the love I feel for me right now is a beautiful thing and something I am going to sit with!!!

I miss my friends and family so very much and can't wait to see you all.... I hope you enjoyed the post, and love the pictures just as much.... Justin if you ever see this I will never stop loving you and the person you helped me become... Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!! You were definatly the perch that I was so scared to climb and I almost jumped off half way through and sabatoged it cause I didn't want to know what was going to happen... For the first time really in my life I made it to the top, I chose me and I chose love and I am now yelling from the top of my lungs!!! "IF I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!"

Tattoo right after it was done!!! Love it!!! It says, "Alis Volat Propriis" which means he/she flys with his/her own wings and this is 100% for my dad!!! Since he has passed I have really had to learn to fly with my own wings and he now has his own!!!