I don't know if I even know where to begin this post. I get myself in these holes of not blogging for a long time and so then I don't ever want to do it because I have so much to catch up on. I could spend hours telling you what has happened over the last four months or I can just take a couple minutes to summarize and tell you how amazing my life is and how truly blessed I am.
Coming back to Utah was the best thing ever, being with my friends and family has been amazing and I am truly blessed. Just days after I came home I convinced Brandon that he needed to come over and say hi. I questioned what I was doing from the minute I sent the text message and as I sit here today I am glad I just listened to that instinct. I am in the most LOVING beautiful amazing relationship I could ever ask for. Being gone for months and learning all that I did really helped me grow up and realize what I have in my life. It has been adventure after adventure with Brandon and learning experience after learning experience. He has quickly become my best friend and just someone that I really enjoy spending all my time with. We started a bucket list for the summer and have done things from swimming to getting pedicures, watched fireworks and went four wheeling. He makes me one happy girl and I love him so much.
I love my apartment and having a space of my own. I am on roommate number 2 and she moves out in a little over 2 weeks, what I am learning is that I am just at a point in my life where I get to have a space to myself and that I need to stop trying to take care of everyone. I can still love them and be there for them but that does not mean that i need to take care of them. I am so thankful for this lesson and it has really helped me grow up and see a side of myself that is a great trait but it also hinders me. So very excited to have a space of my own and just be by myself.
This week I have had the oppertunity to face feeling and emotions that i have tried to hide from for the last 2 years. Brandon's dad passed away very unexpectedly. Seeing the man I love going threw a pain I know all to well has absolutely broke my heart. Never in a million years would I wish this pain on my worse enemy let alone the person I love more then anything. We have spent all but 12 hrs away from each other in the last week. There have been a lot of amazing moments and other moments that have given me the oppertunitity to look at life in a different way and learn something new about myself. I have always known that I was not an easy person to be in a relationship with but these last couple weeks i have really gotten to learn just how fragile life is and that the things I take so much time getting mad about are not really worth getting mad about. I knew that I wanted to spend forever with Brandon but this week I really learned just how much I want that, he is honestly one of the most amazing, strong, loving, caring, giving people I know. He does anything and everything to put a smile on my face and is the first person to wipe tears from my eyes. I am very lucky to get to share this life with him. We have become so much closer this week. It is amazing how God works, even in time of sadness and disspair he brings light and hope and happiness. It has been a beautiful week.
Love you all....
Friday, November 23, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Best Vacation of my life!!!
So this post was going to be incredibly long with every second of every detail of the best vacation of my life it was going to be something that I used to remember such a special time in my life cause i didn't want to even forget the small details, and as time passed and I kept putting off writing the blog I decided that all those little details are something I will always remember they are not something that I needed to post and make my friends read it and take an hr. So looking back on the time I get to share some of the vacation and things that taught me something.
Some would say that being in California for the winter is a vacation and I am not going to say its not but i will say taking a vacation on top of a vacation is the best thing ever especially when that vacation is with someone that you love and care about. Being able to create life lasting memories is something that is so beautiful.
The long anticipated arrival of Justin was something that I didn't know if I would ever get through, there were days that if filled like it would never end and days that really I questioned what I was doing and many moments of wondering what I was setting myself up for. I played my typical "mind games" time and time again and after many and many of conversations with my closest friends and family I decided to jump in head first and just to have a good time, and if I walked away with nothing more then living from my heart I would be completely content. For one of the first times in my life I got out of my head and lived from my heart... Was it scary yes, would I do it again... of course, will it take a lot of strength and letting go... HELL YES.... was it worth it... 100%.... Did things turn out how I had "imagined" and dreamed for them to be... No, and thats okay, you know how I know it is perfect??? cause it is happening...
Justin's time here was spent being very busy and enjoying all the beautiful things this place has to offer me! The first day was filled with the beautiful beach, my first tattoo, cuddling, and just living in the moment... I love my tattoo and it is beautiful. There is nothing more I could have asked for, and I couldn't imagine anyone else holding my hand for the whole 2.5hrs and not leaving my side, not only was the tattoo so symbolic but the person who was by my side through the whole thing (justin) was symbolic, I remember the night my dad passed away Justin being on of the first people I messaged, he had been there for me through the whole thing he was a major rock and wiped my tears many times when I cried so getting to have him there was amazing.
Saturday we spent sometime at the San Clemente pier and it was breath taking, it is where we got to take our first picture in years and we even got to see a star fish... We went to San Clemente high school where the new player for the Utes had graduated from, because Justin is a huge Utes fan, following that we went and had the best Hamburger of my life yet again.... Vine never disappoints, it was nice to be able to share lunch with my bosses and for them to be able to meet Justin. Dave N Busters was later that night and many many more memories were made again, it was a beautiful thing getting to be carefree and act like a child with someone you adore.
The rest of the days were filled with life changing experiences and many memorable memories. Whale watching and seeing whales and dolphins, Sunsets and kisses on the beach, Knotts Berry Farm & Disneyland.... All things I had never done before in my life and I am so thankful I got to do it all with the person I got to do it with. Not only did I experience "The Happiest Place on Earth," but I got to experience one of the Happiest Times in My Life.... Thank you Thank you and Thank you again Justin!!! Thank you for the memories, the lessons, and the person you have helped me become.
Saying goodbye is never easy and this was not any different, We spent the last day together at the beach soaking up some sun and playing in the ocean. There was not a moment that I wasn't amazed at all I am blessed with each and every single day! Having Justin gone was VERY hard for me the first week and I spent countless hours just crying, I had not cried so hard since my dad passed. Many times I was asked why I was crying I had a good time, and at the moment in time I didn't want to talk about why I was crying.
Now a month later I can look back and say I KNOW WHY, i know why it was so hard. Justin has always been the one person I saw spending forever with, the one person I saw holding my kids and being part of my family, finally he was feeling what I was and my happily ever after was coming!!! I told my friends time and time again that this vacation would tell Justin & I if we were ment to be, that it would either make us or break us... and as much as I didn't want to admit it then and as bad as it still hurts now, it broke us. Its not that it was bad it was that I realized "we" are not right and that scares me. It scares me that I will never have that person that makes my world spin around or give me all those butterflies that Justin gave me so freely. When I kissed him goodbye for the last time, I knew that that would be the last time I kissed him, that i got to share that with him. Anyone that knows me knows I HATE change. I would never say it was the same pain of losing my dad but it was a horrible pain in a whole new way. When he kissed me I didn't see fireworks anymore, I didn't see him with me when I was older something that I had held onto for almost 4 years was gone and it hurt. Yet again I felt very alone and incomplete... I had not felt so alone and incomplete since my dad died....
The biggest and best life lesson that I learned from kissing Justin goodbye, was that someone else cannot fill my cup, I have to fill my cup and until I can complete myself and love me fully, and see that I am worth it... No one else will... I get to be happy being me and loving me and doing things for me and when I can do that someone else can love me too... Until I can love me I will never be able to allow someone else to love me. Beautiful beautiful beautiful life experience.
I do not regret one second of having Justin here, knowing what I know now I still wouldn't go back and do it different. And for me that is huge! Wow, the love I feel for me right now is a beautiful thing and something I am going to sit with!!!
I miss my friends and family so very much and can't wait to see you all.... I hope you enjoyed the post, and love the pictures just as much.... Justin if you ever see this I will never stop loving you and the person you helped me become... Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!! You were definatly the perch that I was so scared to climb and I almost jumped off half way through and sabatoged it cause I didn't want to know what was going to happen... For the first time really in my life I made it to the top, I chose me and I chose love and I am now yelling from the top of my lungs!!! "IF I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!"
Some would say that being in California for the winter is a vacation and I am not going to say its not but i will say taking a vacation on top of a vacation is the best thing ever especially when that vacation is with someone that you love and care about. Being able to create life lasting memories is something that is so beautiful.
The long anticipated arrival of Justin was something that I didn't know if I would ever get through, there were days that if filled like it would never end and days that really I questioned what I was doing and many moments of wondering what I was setting myself up for. I played my typical "mind games" time and time again and after many and many of conversations with my closest friends and family I decided to jump in head first and just to have a good time, and if I walked away with nothing more then living from my heart I would be completely content. For one of the first times in my life I got out of my head and lived from my heart... Was it scary yes, would I do it again... of course, will it take a lot of strength and letting go... HELL YES.... was it worth it... 100%.... Did things turn out how I had "imagined" and dreamed for them to be... No, and thats okay, you know how I know it is perfect??? cause it is happening...
Justin's time here was spent being very busy and enjoying all the beautiful things this place has to offer me! The first day was filled with the beautiful beach, my first tattoo, cuddling, and just living in the moment... I love my tattoo and it is beautiful. There is nothing more I could have asked for, and I couldn't imagine anyone else holding my hand for the whole 2.5hrs and not leaving my side, not only was the tattoo so symbolic but the person who was by my side through the whole thing (justin) was symbolic, I remember the night my dad passed away Justin being on of the first people I messaged, he had been there for me through the whole thing he was a major rock and wiped my tears many times when I cried so getting to have him there was amazing.
Saturday we spent sometime at the San Clemente pier and it was breath taking, it is where we got to take our first picture in years and we even got to see a star fish... We went to San Clemente high school where the new player for the Utes had graduated from, because Justin is a huge Utes fan, following that we went and had the best Hamburger of my life yet again.... Vine never disappoints, it was nice to be able to share lunch with my bosses and for them to be able to meet Justin. Dave N Busters was later that night and many many more memories were made again, it was a beautiful thing getting to be carefree and act like a child with someone you adore.
The rest of the days were filled with life changing experiences and many memorable memories. Whale watching and seeing whales and dolphins, Sunsets and kisses on the beach, Knotts Berry Farm & Disneyland.... All things I had never done before in my life and I am so thankful I got to do it all with the person I got to do it with. Not only did I experience "The Happiest Place on Earth," but I got to experience one of the Happiest Times in My Life.... Thank you Thank you and Thank you again Justin!!! Thank you for the memories, the lessons, and the person you have helped me become.
Saying goodbye is never easy and this was not any different, We spent the last day together at the beach soaking up some sun and playing in the ocean. There was not a moment that I wasn't amazed at all I am blessed with each and every single day! Having Justin gone was VERY hard for me the first week and I spent countless hours just crying, I had not cried so hard since my dad passed. Many times I was asked why I was crying I had a good time, and at the moment in time I didn't want to talk about why I was crying.
Now a month later I can look back and say I KNOW WHY, i know why it was so hard. Justin has always been the one person I saw spending forever with, the one person I saw holding my kids and being part of my family, finally he was feeling what I was and my happily ever after was coming!!! I told my friends time and time again that this vacation would tell Justin & I if we were ment to be, that it would either make us or break us... and as much as I didn't want to admit it then and as bad as it still hurts now, it broke us. Its not that it was bad it was that I realized "we" are not right and that scares me. It scares me that I will never have that person that makes my world spin around or give me all those butterflies that Justin gave me so freely. When I kissed him goodbye for the last time, I knew that that would be the last time I kissed him, that i got to share that with him. Anyone that knows me knows I HATE change. I would never say it was the same pain of losing my dad but it was a horrible pain in a whole new way. When he kissed me I didn't see fireworks anymore, I didn't see him with me when I was older something that I had held onto for almost 4 years was gone and it hurt. Yet again I felt very alone and incomplete... I had not felt so alone and incomplete since my dad died....
The biggest and best life lesson that I learned from kissing Justin goodbye, was that someone else cannot fill my cup, I have to fill my cup and until I can complete myself and love me fully, and see that I am worth it... No one else will... I get to be happy being me and loving me and doing things for me and when I can do that someone else can love me too... Until I can love me I will never be able to allow someone else to love me. Beautiful beautiful beautiful life experience.
I do not regret one second of having Justin here, knowing what I know now I still wouldn't go back and do it different. And for me that is huge! Wow, the love I feel for me right now is a beautiful thing and something I am going to sit with!!!
I miss my friends and family so very much and can't wait to see you all.... I hope you enjoyed the post, and love the pictures just as much.... Justin if you ever see this I will never stop loving you and the person you helped me become... Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!! You were definatly the perch that I was so scared to climb and I almost jumped off half way through and sabatoged it cause I didn't want to know what was going to happen... For the first time really in my life I made it to the top, I chose me and I chose love and I am now yelling from the top of my lungs!!! "IF I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO ANYTHING!!!"
Tattoo right after it was done!!! Love it!!! It says, "Alis Volat Propriis" which means he/she flys with his/her own wings and this is 100% for my dad!!! Since he has passed I have really had to learn to fly with my own wings and he now has his own!!!
(Top): Our first pic at the San Clemente Pier, Justin is wearing the shirt I bought hims for his birthday!!!
(Bottom): Us at Dave n Busters!!!
Top: Us on the Farris Wheel
Dolphin
Cool sea Lions!!! O how they stunk
The second largest animal on the planet... The beautiful and amazing Fin Whale
Justin & I whale watching!!!
Beautiful sunset
Us after Knotts Berry Farm, we were exhausted!!!
Me all ready for Disneyland
Just waiting for the tram at Disneyland!!!
We were the first ones in line for regular admission!!! Love it
Mickeys Face
This was Justin's "o hell no she is not going to make me wear mickey ears!!! LOL"
"yep i made him wear mickey ears!!!"
Lunch at Disneyland!!!
This was Splash Mountain we went on it 4 times at like 8pm!!! Being wet when it is dark outside leads to freezing!! lol
My AWESOME face on Splash Mountain and Justin throwing up the Utes sign!!!
Justin's awesome face now and the Utes sign!!! I made him sit up front this time!!!!
YES I live here amazing ocean view
Us on our hike the last day!!!
Us the last day at the beach!!! Love that pic!!!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Surfing!!!
This will be a sort but fun post! guess what I did????? Just guess???? I ATTEMPTED to surf... Please note the capital attempted. I drank more salt water then I even want to think about and spent forever trying to get a wet suit on at the wet suit rental place, to walk out of there with one a size to big that allowed water in and made me cold but guess what, I had a blast and I can go home and say I attempted to surf.
I did however get to see Cameron succeed at surfing and that is very cool. Looking at the waves from the sand they look so cute and non-scary but experiencing them from in the water is a whole different story they are scary and wanted to eat me alive, but it was a very fun experience. I remember turning to Amy before I went out and was really worried about how I would stand on the board and what way to turn, blah blah..... she just laughed and I didnt get it til I got out there and realized that even staying flat on my board for more then 2.5 seconds would be a success for me, ha ha ha and I was worried about standing up. VERY FUNNY!!!! all those wicked awesome surfers I am jealous yet not jealous enough to die trying out there.
The babies loved loved loved the beach and it was a great little get away! Again my eyes were opened to something new and I get to thank Cameron and Amy! They have really made this move bareable and I love them a ton!!!
Catch up & Santa Barbara
Okay Okay Okay I know that I have really really really sucked at this whole blogging thing and it is something that i am beating myself up for, I am so far behind that I have really been putting off even doing the blog which as everyone knows makes me even more behind!!! SOOOOO here we go! There will be a couple posts coming your way!
First and for more California is amazing and I am so thankful for the chance to be here and being able to see how much I am learning and growing! I wake up everyday and have something new to appreciate and lay my head down ever night going, "yes i did this today, or i learned this. Or even I can do this and I am doing this!" Best feelings in the world! I cant even begin to believe how much I have learned since I have been here!!!!
New Years was a good start, i cant believe it is 2012. I remember 1995 and riding my bike and being 7 years old and here I am going on 23 and wishing i could ride my bike everyday just for the heck of it! yes please! :D It was a quiet evening for me at home, I dont know anyone here and I am not the type of person to just go hang out with a bunch of random people so instead i watched tv and came up with a cute text to send out to all my loved ones, and I have to say that I was pretty proud of myself. I was in bed I think right after the clock struck 12 and I was perfectly fine with that! :D
On the 11th of January we made our way up the coast to Santa Barbara and man was that trip amazing, the babies were angels, we ate some great food and I got to see and experience yet another beautiful city. By the time we came home i was then torn between if i wanted to live in Santa Barbara or Dana Point! It was just so beautiful and relaxing and wow the life style there was so relaxed and just walking down the street was such a joy! We got to go shopping at the cute little shops there, I soaked up the sun everyday I was there while i laid by the pool and sipped on some champagne.... nummy is all I can say and yet again I was quickly reminded why i am in school for my degree cause this is the life style that I wanted to provide for not only me but my future husband and my kids. Cameron and Amy have yet again allowed me to see another beautiful part of life and what there is out there for me and for that I will forever be grateful. They have really shown my so much about life and who I can and want to be as a person! It is such a joy to sit down around a table with them or on the couches and just talk, i feel like I learn something new every time!
The babies turned 6 months old on January 19th and it is so strange to see how much they had grown! about a week before we left for Santa Barbara we decided to sleep train the babies and get them out of the habit of waking up every 2 hr or sleeping in swings or having to be swaddled. Let me tell you it was a couple rough days hearing them cry during nap time or bed time but was so worth it in the end for everyone involved, the babies have learned the tools to sooth themselves and mom, dad, and nanny are getting more sleep which makes for happy individuals! Cameron & Amy did amazing during it all and were very consistant and really pushed hard to do what was best for the babies and for that I commend them! It was such a growing and eye opening experience for me. Amy then came up with a great business idea for me when I come home and that Is to go into the homes of newer parents, esp twin mom and dads and provide them with the tools to effectively sleep train their babies. Yet again allowing me to do something that I love and something that I am really good at! January flew by just as the rest of the year is going to I have a feeling! I am so thankful and blessed for all that I have been given the oppertunity to do while I am here! I love Cameron and Amy and the babies and it never gets old seeing them everyday!
I guess another very important thing that happened this month is that I tried Sushi and more importantly LOVED sushi!!! Yes I said it, I loved sushi! This is music to one of my best friends back homes ears and I really cant wait to get back to SLC so we can go on a sushi date together!!!
Also I did want to say I have one thing I want to clear up, in my previous posts I talk about how I always wanted 5 kids and now that I have nannied for the twins I no longer want 5. I want to make sure everyone knows that it is not because the twins make me hate kids or that they are hard babies or that I hate my job cause it is so far from the truth. I have changed my view on kids because I am able to see the life style that is provided for the twins and all the things that I so badly want to give to my kids... I love the twins more then i ever imagined I would and they bring such a light to my life and I am thankful for them everyday! I am blessed to get to be part of their life as well as their mom and dads life, I learn so much from Cameron and Amy anything from how to cook chicken to how to raise kids or have an affective conversation with your spouse! I am so thankful for all they teach me everyday and all I get to learn!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Years
Where do I begin? Where has this last year gone, I cant even begin to grasp where my life has taken me and how much I have learned and grown! What a beautiful beautiful beautiful life I have been blessed with! I have the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for! At many times this last year I didnt know if I was going to make it, there were days that I didnt get out of bed and felt so alone in a world full of so many people! Giving up was the only option I saw at that time and my loved ones reassured me time and time again that I could do it! I am so much stronger today then I was at this time last year it simply amazes me. I didn't know someone could change so much over such a short period of time.
The year started off with a bang and ever challenge was knocking at my door I felt like it was a never ending story and rocks were just being thrown at me while I was down and as i look back today I am so thankful for all the challenges that I was able to experience cause without the pain I would NEVER know how good the beauty feels!
This year I got warmly welcomed into a home and a family that has changed my life forever! Tim (dad) & Samantha (mom) were my rocks and gave me so much to live for! They showed me things about love and life that I will carry with me forever! For the first time in my life I got to experience the Priesthood in my home and the blessings that it brings and it is a beautiful thing and something I will be eternally grateful for! I was so blessed with a mom and dad who loved me and showed me so much growing up and heavenly father thought that it was just important to give me another set of parents that I know would do anything for me just as they do for their own 2 children. Thank you thank you thank you Mom and Dad!!! you forever changed my life and I love you so so so much!
March of this year was a very hard month, I couldnt believe that at that point my dad had been gone a year already. Where had time gone and how was I still kicking without him! There were many feelings during that time I cant even begin to explain!
Someone said to me tonight "I guess I am going to go hang out with my parents...blah" and I almost broke into tears cause I would give anything to hang out with my dad tonight. To be able to sit down and have a beer with him and bring the new year in. So many times people take things like that for granite! I would give anything to be able to share this night with him. To just share stories and memories from the last year! I love you and miss you so much Dad, you are in my thoughts every single day! There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you and miss you! Thank you for all you did and continue to do! You will forever be my popeye!!!
I feel like last year was filled with so much adventure that this blog is not going to even compare to last years. In that I learned so much in 2011 I wouldnt have it any other way!
2012 has many great adventures for me to begin with right off! New relationships, many new first with friends and family! A new baby to call me nanny ash is right around the corner! Parasailing and disneyland as well as my first tattoo.... I am going big or going home! This one is for you dad!!! I love you!!!
New Years Resolutions:
Continue to work out and live a healthier life style!
Make lasting memories with my friends and family
Smile more
Live with my heart and not through my head!
Share my beautiful and talents with those around me!
Love & be loved!!!
All the pics are of me TODAY!!!! Enjoy
Welcome to 2012 everyone! I love you all and am so thankful for you! :D Cant wait to make many memories to come!
The year started off with a bang and ever challenge was knocking at my door I felt like it was a never ending story and rocks were just being thrown at me while I was down and as i look back today I am so thankful for all the challenges that I was able to experience cause without the pain I would NEVER know how good the beauty feels!
This year I got warmly welcomed into a home and a family that has changed my life forever! Tim (dad) & Samantha (mom) were my rocks and gave me so much to live for! They showed me things about love and life that I will carry with me forever! For the first time in my life I got to experience the Priesthood in my home and the blessings that it brings and it is a beautiful thing and something I will be eternally grateful for! I was so blessed with a mom and dad who loved me and showed me so much growing up and heavenly father thought that it was just important to give me another set of parents that I know would do anything for me just as they do for their own 2 children. Thank you thank you thank you Mom and Dad!!! you forever changed my life and I love you so so so much!
March of this year was a very hard month, I couldnt believe that at that point my dad had been gone a year already. Where had time gone and how was I still kicking without him! There were many feelings during that time I cant even begin to explain!
Someone said to me tonight "I guess I am going to go hang out with my parents...blah" and I almost broke into tears cause I would give anything to hang out with my dad tonight. To be able to sit down and have a beer with him and bring the new year in. So many times people take things like that for granite! I would give anything to be able to share this night with him. To just share stories and memories from the last year! I love you and miss you so much Dad, you are in my thoughts every single day! There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you and miss you! Thank you for all you did and continue to do! You will forever be my popeye!!!
I feel like last year was filled with so much adventure that this blog is not going to even compare to last years. In that I learned so much in 2011 I wouldnt have it any other way!
2012 has many great adventures for me to begin with right off! New relationships, many new first with friends and family! A new baby to call me nanny ash is right around the corner! Parasailing and disneyland as well as my first tattoo.... I am going big or going home! This one is for you dad!!! I love you!!!
New Years Resolutions:
Continue to work out and live a healthier life style!
Make lasting memories with my friends and family
Smile more
Live with my heart and not through my head!
Share my beautiful and talents with those around me!
Love & be loved!!!
All the pics are of me TODAY!!!! Enjoy
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