Beautiful California

We flew out today at 2pm and up until we were in the air my head and heart were racing with a million emotions, heck who am I kidding they still are!!! I miss my loved ones so much already. I miss Brandon's fingers between mine and being able to kiss him or that me and Jessica were sitting on her bed watching prison break or Kristy and I were making jokes with the waiter while eating dinner! I am so blessed to have the people that I have in my life and the continued love and support they give me!

As everyone knows I have been VERY excited about this new adventure since I decided that I was going! As it got closer I started to get nervous and really wonder what I was doing! Dont get me wrong I love Cameron and Amy and the babies so very much and it was never anything to do with them! I just knew i was really going to miss those closest to me alot! Brandon and I started falling in ways neither of us expected and my heart was filled with so much love. I have the fear of the what if, and I have to remind myself to live in the "NOW"

The Flight was beautiful! The babies were amazing and it was just relaxing! It is SOOOOO green here! I love Palm Trees and I find it extremely funny seeing Christmas decorations all over and there is no white stuff and I can just go swimming in the ocean! It is such a different world here!!! There are streets everywhere and cars and WOW!!! It has been a great afternoon and am super excited for the next 4 months!!! I took some pics today and wanted everyone to see!!! I love you all so much and miss you already!

 This is me on the plane!!!

 Look how cool the clouds were

 BEAUTIFUL!!!

 The private jet we flew on! Let me tell you when I saw this thing I got really worried! for the last 3 weeks I have been having these horrible dreams that we were going to die on the way here and then seeing how much smaller this plane was compared to commerical ones i just about lost it! I couldnt say that though cause Amy is terrified of flying and I couldnt worry her and I needed to be strong and supportive and I was and we all were fine!!!

 My nice comfy bed with bright colors!

My cute little sitting area in my room to just relax and read books! I love the chair it is so cute!!!

Before I said Goodbye!!!

Sometimes in life it takes me a minute to see all the beautiful blessings that are placed in front of me. I take so much time thinking about what could/should have been and wishing for so much and fail to see the beauty right in front of me. I forget to say thank you for even the simple things. Even after the amazing life lesson of losing my dad and realizing how much I had but missed out on I still find myself failing to see the things and saying the things I need and want to say. This blog entry was the final writing before I left Salt Lake to go to Cali... I wrote it earlier this week and just didnt have time to post it so here it is, it is just a bunch of things I want to say to the people who matter the most to me!!!

Dad: I know you can hear the desires and intentions of my heart and I just want you to knowt hat I miss you with ever fiber of my being and love you with every ounce of my body... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!


Mom: Why??? I dont have the answers nor do I understand and I may never. All I can say is why? and yet I still love you, cherish you, & miss you. 


Christopher: Thank you. Forever I will stand by you and in gratitude of you. God gave me the best gift June 20, 1992. The love of a brother is so pure and sweet as is the love for a brother. I miss you, I miss the good times we had as well as making memories with you!!! I Love You!


Kristy: How does God know such things, even the simple face that almost 4 years ago I NEEDED you. My life would never be the same without you. My heart would be missing a huge section. You are one of  my best friends not just because I can tell you anything or that you know me better then I know myself, but because you know what i am thinking without me saying a word, you make me laugh when I just want to cry. Thank you for blessing not only that you are in my life but the blessing all of your babies are. There have been multiple times where going on seemed impossible and you brought me right back to where I needed to be. I Love You! Please remind the kids often I love them! Thank You for all you do!


Jessica: Where yo begin??? I often wonder why my parents would move me to the middle of no where and no matter how bitter I can be about it I honestly think you were Gods reason for putting me there and for that I am grateful! Without you life would be boring, lonely, and something major would be missing!!! You are my BEST FRIEND! So many times you were my strength when I had none! Thank you for letting me there with you and for you! I Love You! Those 3 words will never be enough to tell you exactly how much you mean to me.


Brandon: In only 5 months you have changed my life in unimaginable ways. You make me smile when I am mad and cry because I am so happy! It has not always been pretty or easy but it has been worth it, every single second of it. You help make me the person I want to be. You bring out the best in me and help me to see the worst. I Love You not just for who you are but for who I am when I am with you! I love the memories we make and the mistakes me make together!!! I Love You, I really do!!!


Leaving is never easy, I am so sad to go and even more excited. There are so many people in my life I could write so much to if I had the time. Just know that I love every single one of you and you are all in my life for a reason. Thank you for being my teachers on this path I am on.

THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!!
THANK YOU!!!

A love like this!

Today as I was cuddled up on the couch with an amazing man thinking back to when we first met and thinking we were going to be nothing more then a fling and now being in love with him i realized that it has taken me a long time to love like i love him!

It has taken patients on his part more then I thought any man had, as well as patients on my part, it has taken trust, communication, committment, confidence, loving myself, and accepting him for who he is and not trying to change him!

Sure there are things that Brandon does that drive me insane (him chewing) and they are also the things that make him, him. They help make up the person that i am in love with. It is not about who I want him to be in order for me to love him it is about loving him UNCONDITIONALLY! That is something that i thought I was amazing at! He taught me otherwise in a very suttle way!

Loving myself was something that I thought I did rather well, until I met brandon. He was happy, he was attracted to me, he liked me and my script kept on playing... " I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, no one wants me.... How can anyone be happy with me?" I expected Brandon to tell me all the opposite of this, to tell me that I was enough, that i was pretty enough, and that someone does want me. However no matter how many times he said it or showed it in his own ways it was not good enough for me so i didnt see it. We were headed down a path of disaster and it was coming fast, i was ready to walk away and be done when it all finally clicked that this has nothing to do with Brandon, it is ALL about me. How can someone else feel those things if I dont feel them for myself, How can i let someone love me if i dont love myself? This is where trust and confidence came in for me. Never did I not trust Brandon I didnt trust myself, I didnt trust that I was more then enough, and I didnt believe in what we had. This man has shown me so much and I have been able to grow so much by being in this relationship. As the time creeps closer for me to say goodbye to him my heart hurts and I wonder how I am going to do it and if I am strong enough and then I laugh and say... "it is perfect, how do i know???? Cause it is happening" I dont worry about Brandon during this time, i know how he feels about me without him saying it. I worry about me during this time. This is going to be a true growth experience for me! Thank you universe for this oppertunity!

During my time thinking to myself tonight I also realized that I am sooooo thankful for all my exs. I have good relationships with all of still to this day. Some of them being my best friends that I know I can turn to for anything, one of them who was there to give me a hug when my dad passed, and others who make me smile just through their facebook posts. They are all AMAZING men. They helped me become who I am today both the good and the bad and without them I would not be the person that Brandon has fallen for. I wouldnt have the amazing relationship that I do now. I wouldnt know how to cope with some of the things I am faced with, I am so so so greatful for them all. I know I am not an easy person to be in a relationship, trust me I am in one with myself every single day. So thank you men in my life!

Love is such a complex word yet it is so simple. I CHOOSE LOVE! I choose to love all and to see the beauty in everything! I am truly blessed.....

The Packing Begins!!!!

The move is right around the courner and I am getting so very excited for it! I think this is one of the biggest things that i have done to date in my life.

I am so thankful that when it comes to packing that this time it comes down to putting a bed in storage and a couple boxes on the truck to go! This new adventure is going to be amazing, hard but amazing!

I will make sure that I post what is going on in life and keep everyone updated!

Much love to all those around me who love and support me! :D