Today as I was cuddled up on the couch with an amazing man thinking back to when we first met and thinking we were going to be nothing more then a fling and now being in love with him i realized that it has taken me a long time to love like i love him!
It has taken patients on his part more then I thought any man had, as well as patients on my part, it has taken trust, communication, committment, confidence, loving myself, and accepting him for who he is and not trying to change him!
Sure there are things that Brandon does that drive me insane (him chewing) and they are also the things that make him, him. They help make up the person that i am in love with. It is not about who I want him to be in order for me to love him it is about loving him UNCONDITIONALLY! That is something that i thought I was amazing at! He taught me otherwise in a very suttle way!
Loving myself was something that I thought I did rather well, until I met brandon. He was happy, he was attracted to me, he liked me and my script kept on playing... " I am not good enough, I am not pretty enough, no one wants me.... How can anyone be happy with me?" I expected Brandon to tell me all the opposite of this, to tell me that I was enough, that i was pretty enough, and that someone does want me. However no matter how many times he said it or showed it in his own ways it was not good enough for me so i didnt see it. We were headed down a path of disaster and it was coming fast, i was ready to walk away and be done when it all finally clicked that this has nothing to do with Brandon, it is ALL about me. How can someone else feel those things if I dont feel them for myself, How can i let someone love me if i dont love myself? This is where trust and confidence came in for me. Never did I not trust Brandon I didnt trust myself, I didnt trust that I was more then enough, and I didnt believe in what we had. This man has shown me so much and I have been able to grow so much by being in this relationship. As the time creeps closer for me to say goodbye to him my heart hurts and I wonder how I am going to do it and if I am strong enough and then I laugh and say... "it is perfect, how do i know???? Cause it is happening" I dont worry about Brandon during this time, i know how he feels about me without him saying it. I worry about me during this time. This is going to be a true growth experience for me! Thank you universe for this oppertunity!
During my time thinking to myself tonight I also realized that I am sooooo thankful for all my exs. I have good relationships with all of still to this day. Some of them being my best friends that I know I can turn to for anything, one of them who was there to give me a hug when my dad passed, and others who make me smile just through their facebook posts. They are all AMAZING men. They helped me become who I am today both the good and the bad and without them I would not be the person that Brandon has fallen for. I wouldnt have the amazing relationship that I do now. I wouldnt know how to cope with some of the things I am faced with, I am so so so greatful for them all. I know I am not an easy person to be in a relationship, trust me I am in one with myself every single day. So thank you men in my life!
Love is such a complex word yet it is so simple. I CHOOSE LOVE! I choose to love all and to see the beauty in everything! I am truly blessed.....
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